


SHIPPING BATTLE #1

by agentcalliope, Fitzsimmonshield (fitzsimmonsshield)



Series: A Doug's Life [5]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: COULSON IS WASHINGTON, DOUG IS HAMILTON, F/M, FATIMA IS MADISON, FITZSIMMONS VS. SKYEWARD, Hamilton - Freeform, JEFF IS JEFFERSON, OTP Battle, rap battle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 04:36:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6596905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentcalliope/pseuds/agentcalliope, https://archiveofourown.org/users/fitzsimmonsshield/pseuds/Fitzsimmonshield
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doug and Jeff battle it out for the ultimate OTP.</p>
<p>IN A SHIPPING BATTLE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	SHIPPING BATTLE #1

[The original Cabinet Battle #1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MW_HPrEmvaA)

 

* * *

 

 

Jeff bursts into the office, and Doug internally groans at the sight. Doug thinks that everyone has a right to ship whomever they want, and even though he’s friends with some Skyeward shippers (Hey Ashanti!) Jeff just takes it to a whole other level. Not to mention he also degrades Fitzsimmons.

 

_Don’t mess with my ship man._

 

“Hey _Doug_. Cry over Fitzsimmons yet today?”

 

_Seriously Jeff it’s 9:00 am. Who do you think I am?_

 

(Doug’s already cried twice.)

 

“Hello Jeff. Can I help you?”

 

“I don’t know _can_ you?”

 

Fatima Miriam walks over and sneers as she high-fives Jeff.

 

Doug is up to _here_ with Jeff and his antics.

  
Sanjana shakes her head at him, placing her hand on his arm.

“Don’t let him rile you up! You know he’s just doing it to annoy you.” She whispers.

 

Not quietly enough, evidently, because Jeff starts to grins maliciously and crosses his arms.

 

“I don’t hate Fitzsimmons to annoy him- I hate Fitzsimmons because they’re _stupid.”_

 

Doug bolts out of his chair.

“One. that was the lamest reason I’ve heard in my life and two. HOW DARE YOU.”

 

He and Jeff stand in front of each other, glaring and huffing with their fists balled at their sides.

 

Together they shout:

“I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SHIPPING BATTLE!!!”

 

*****IN DIRECTOR COULSON'S OFFICE*****

 

[COULSON]

Ladies and gentlemen, you coulda been anywhere in the world tonight, but you’re here with us at The Playground. Are you ready for an OTP meeting???

The issue on the table: Agent Doug Rye’s plan to entomb Skyeward and establish a canon Fitzsimmons. Agent Jeff Anderson, you have the floor, sir

[JEFF]

‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of Skyeward-ness.’

We fought for these mad feels; we shouldn’t settle for less

These are wise words, enterprising men quote ‘em

Don’t act surprised, you guys, cuz I wrote ‘em

[JEFF/MIRIAM]

Oww

[JEFF]

But Agent Doug forgets

His plan would have Fitzsimmons assume a relationship

Now, place your bets as to who that benefits:

The very seat of SHIELD where Agent Doug sits

[DOUG]

Not true!

[JEFF]

Ooh, if the shoe fits, wear it

If Fitz is in love—

Why should Jemma bear it? Uh! She never loved him I’m afraid,

Snuggled right up to Will cuz Maveth always got her in the shade

In Tahiti, we plant new memories in your mind

We create. You just wanna move their love lives around?

This pairing plan is an outrageous demand

And 10 years is too long for a couple to withstand

Stand with me in the land of the free

And pray to God we never see Agent Doug’s crazy fantasies

Look, when Garrett brainwashed our man, we got frisky

Imagine what gon’ happen when you try to increase our misery

[COULSON]

Thank you, Agent Jeff Anderson. Agent Doug Rye, your response

[DOUG]

Jeff Anderson. That was a real nice declaration

Welcome to the present, we’re running a one true pairing

Would you like to join us, or cease having fun

Doin’ whatever the hell it is you did in Season 1?

If we assume the worst, at least the shippers get

Cute little lines like: the first law of Thermodynamics

How do you not get it?

If we’re cheerful and supportive

Their union gets a boost. You’d rather give it a sedative?

A romance lesson from fan favorites

Your ship is misled, cuz one of them is dead

“He loves her so much. He’s misunderstood.”

Yeah, keep ranting

We know who’s really Hydra and not #TeamCaptain

And another thing, Mr. ‘He would never hurt her’

Don’t lecture me about true love, you couldn’t know it

You think I’m frightened of you, man?

They almost died in the ocean

While Ward was off getting points with the Clairvoyant

Agent Anderson, always hesitant with the Director

Reticent—Ward’s always been a bit of a petty son

Miriam, you’re mad as a hatter, agent, take your medicine

Damn, you’re in worse shape than your ship is in

Sittin’ there useless as two shits

Hey, turn around, bend over, I’ll show you

Where my shoe fits

[COULSON]

Excuse me? Miriam, Agent Jeff, take a walk! Doug, take a walk! We’ll reconvene after a brief recess. DOUG!

[DOUG]

Sir!

 

[COULSON]

A word

 

[MIRIAM]

You don’t have the Ward Warriors

 

[JEFF/MIRIAM]

You don’t have the Ward Warriors

 

[JEFF]

Aha-ha-ha ha!

 

[JEFF/MIRIAM]

You’re gonna need more fangirls and you don’t have the Warriors

 

[JEFF]

Such a blunder sometimes it makes me wonder why I even bring the thunder

 

[MIRIAM]

Why he even brings the thunder…

 

[COULSON]

You wanna pull yourself together?

 

[DOUG]

I’m sorry, these Skyeward shippers are stubborn fighters

 

[COULSON]

Young man, I’m Daisy’s dad, so watch your mouth

 

[DOUG]

So we let Fitzsimmons get held hostage by the writers?

 

[COULSON]

You need the fangirls

 

[DOUG]

No, we need bold strokes. We need this OTP

 

[COULSON]

No, you need to convince more folks

 

[DOUG]

Fatima Miriam won’t talk to me, that’s a nonstarter

 

[COULSON]

Winning was easy, young man. Making it canon’s harder

 

[DOUG]

They’re being intransigent

 

[DOUG]

You have to find a compromise

 

[DOUG]

But they don’t have a ship, they just hate mine!

 

[DOUG]

Convince them otherwise

 

[DOUG]

What happens if I don’t get fangirl approval?

 

[COULSON]

I imagine they’ll call for your removal.

 

[DOUG]

Sir—

 

[COULSON]

Figure it out, Doug. That’s an order from your director

**Author's Note:**

> WE DO NOT OWN HAMILTON OR AOS (sobs)


End file.
